December truly is the month of love and loss.

A friend posted on Facebook today about how she missed her Mum and really needed to speak with her.  This simple post seemed to cut me to the core.  I miss my Mum every single day.  There is not one 24 hour period when she doesn’t cross my mind in one form or another; happy memories, doing things with the children, laughing, opening my mouth and hearing her pour out!

These last few weeks have been particularly emotional – and as ever with me – I seem to just plod on and get through it without ever really giving the moments the attention they so deserve.

Sam Graduated from Year 12 on the 20^th November.  He ACTUALLY graduated.  Despite the school saying he wouldn’t and the loss and disappointment that came along with that realisation….. somehow, on the night, the marks were re-collated, double checked, fudged, whatever!!! but he was allowed to graduate.  It was a lovely ceremony.  His Year group have always offered a particularly high level of challenge to the teaching community, but often, these spirited individuals are the ones that leave the biggest impression in life. 

Sam was also awarded with his certificate in business studies on this night.  It was a very proud moment.  I bit my lip on a number of occasions to fight back the tears; the photos of him over his years in high school with his friends, the ‘then and now’ photo and the funny anecdotes from the Head Boy and Girl.  It was a lovely service.

And then this happened:

Hard to put into words what happened last night at Sam's graduation; it was very emotional and so moving.

The Principal then gave a moving address about 'The Last Speech' and what would your words of wisdom be to others; that at the end of the day, material possessions don't matter - they don't bring you true fulfilment and happiness - that only comes from love, laughter and relationships.

It reinforced every lesson I have learnt this year.

Then she presented a video montage of parents, friends and colleagues, giving advice and guidance for the Graduating Class of 2015 - their words of Wisdom to take with them into the future.

The film was accompanied by this music:

The same version of the song we played at Mum's funeral.

With the first few notes of that song, I know Sam, Darcie and I would have felt the same intense emotions - peace, grief, disbelief and love all together. It was as if Mum was there, sharing the graduation of her eldest Grandson with us. It was amazing.

And to top it all off - the last words on the screen when the video ended........

'And remember - always love your Mum x'

It was simultaneously the most amazing and heartbreaking thing!   I sobbed like a baby in the Auditorium – goodness only knows what the other parents and grandparents sitting all around us must have thought of Darcie and I, sobbing – desperately trying to get the tears to stop.  I couldn’t even look for Sam’s face in the crowd of his friends.  Only towards the end of the song (they played it twice – just to ensure we TOTALLY got the message – thanks, Mum :D ) I looked towards Sam and could see him searching for Darcie and I in the audience.  It was a moment I will never forget. 

A Little bit pleased with himself!

Then this week, Adam has graduated Primary school.  Sam and I sat a giggled and laughed through the ceremony – trying to coax a smile from Adam when he was standing, proud as punch, on the stage.  As usual, it was just too uncool to acknowledge anyone whilst being adored – although we did managed to tease a smile from him occasionally.  

Peas in a Pod (Sam did his hair too!)

Afterwards, I let Adam pick anything he wanted for a celebratory dinner – he chose McDonalds!  Create your own though – no cheap arse happy meal for him!  It was a lovely evening, spent with the people that I love the most.

Just proud

Maccas!

I only have Adam’s Christmas Concert to contend with now and school officially wraps up for 2015 in 3 days. Prepare for the guilt of the school holiday! 

But it leads me to dwell a little on December and all that it brings.  For every laugh and happy memory, there is the bittersweet knowledge that it was also the month that I lost both Dad and Mum; and now, in 2015, the final closure on my marriage should come through the mail any day.  

Whilst it was me that pushed for the divorce and I have no regrets that it was the right thing for me to do, it’s still the end of another Chapter that I must come to terms with.  

Maybe I will allow myself one day of grieving and then pull my big girl knickers up and kick this shit!

We have lots to look forward to – hopefully a happy, healthy, fun Christmas and then a trip to the UK to catch up with family and friends.  As Darcie and Adam have never been back, it will be exciting to see things through their eyes.   Have organised lots of days out and fun activities – really hoping it’s relaxed and enjoyable and memories are made that will last a lifetime for Sam, Darcie and Adam,

I am strong.  I am powerful.  I am amazing.

I have got this!