Crochet has got a very bad rep. When I think of crochet, my mind is instantly
drawn to images of Barbies in tiered crochet dresses; their underskirts
covering a toilet roll in a kitsch bathroom with a coloured suite. Even Kirsty Allsop would struggle to make
crochet cool and appeal to today’s 20-something woman. Lavender crochet pomander for your wardrobe
to hang alongside the mothballs?
I am trying to make crochet ‘cool’ – which in itself is
an oxy-moron, as I don’t think I personally have EVER been cool, so goodness
only knows what makes me think that I can attribute this aspired to state to a
ball of wool and a stick with a hook. I
shall only crochet to a soundtrack of Death metal and Skrillex. I will add studs wherever possible and refuse
to produce anything that may be classed as ‘retro’. My personal crusade is to make crochet ‘hip’
– not to be confused with a hospital waiting room full of pensioners waiting
for a replacement of their hip. In the
same way that Justin Timberland brought sexy back, I’m bring crochet back
(those knitting Grannies don’t know how to act!).
My initial thought was a crocheted ‘S&M’ line. I don’t think the cat’o’9 tails would be very
effective (although I’m sure I could add a spiked bead here and there), but I
thought a range of willy warmers, sex toy covers and nipple tassels might go
down a treat with the older Ann Summers customer. I did Vox Pops with my friends but they
seemed a little hesitant when I asked for diameters required for their made to
measure tassels! Everyone’s different,
you know. Some need egg cup diameter,
others need side plates; obviously the price would be size driven. Sheep aren’t cheap. I wonder if I could attract a glamourous
celebrity endorsement? Harriet Harman or
Nigella Lawson? I shall whip up some
prototypes and approach the bank for a business development loan. Now I’m mastering the art of the ‘magic loop’
now, I can even offer full coverage and peep hole.
There’s a real niche here. I could get a stand at Sexpo
near the entrance and take orders. By
the time they have visited all the exhibitors, there could be a custom made
pair of tassels or a personalised Willy warmer waiting for them to collect on
their departure. I need to investigate
the popularity of this – I might need a rotation of pensioners from the
Lifestyle Village enlisted to help me on events such as this. I will obviously have to factor in the
additional cost of Werthers Originals and a box of tissues to ensure that the
Grannies always have a tissue up their sleeve in case of emergency! I will have to investigate embellishments and
chafe-proof sequins. I could even look
into those small voice recording units that they insert into ‘Build a Bear’s,
so the theme from Frozen is played from the Willy Warmer at the appropriate
moment….. ‘let it go…. Let it go…. Can’t hold it back anymore……’
Never mind crocheting baby blankets or bootees, let’s
crochet for the conception. OMG –
there’s my Company name right there!
I appreciate that crocheted thongs don’t sound very appealing,
but I could work on a range of Mankinis, singlets and peep hole bras. There’s a shop in the local shopping centre
that sells basically as string of pearls marketed as a thong. I could adapt my pattern to make the pearl
strand length adjustable – for those days when we need a longer length than
others :D
Feel free to contact me now for an investment opportunity
of a lifetime!
