For the avoidance of ANY doubt. Just in case you were possibly of the opinion that divorce would be a walk in the park,
let me tell you it is HELL ON EARTH.
Even if you (as I was) are the person brave enough to end the torment
that *IS* your marriage, you will still experience more heartache and tear
shedding than watching The Green Mile, The Champ, Marley and Me and Titanic on
loop for a month; and if you have children, you can quadruple that! Your suffering is nothing compared to seeing
your children torn between parents, or trying to find the right words of
comfort whilst you blow snot bubbles and wail into your Chardonnay. It is very hard watching little minds try and
grasp big problems; however, children are FAR from stupid and have probably
seen the writing on the wall from as far back as when you were trying to scrub
it from the vinyl silk with a magic sponge.
I think there comes a point when your children realise it is
game over – possibly even before you do.
They recognise the look of heartache behind your eyes. The look that says ‘never mind’ when it
should. The tears that spill down your
cheeks when your lips form the words ‘it’s the thought that counts’. Actually, that is one of my most hated
phrases. NO! It is NOT the thought that counts. ACTIONS speak louder than words – not
thoughts that were fleeting and not fulfilled.
It’s a complete crock of shit. I ‘thought’
about going back to the shop and buying you that bracelet that you fell in love
with, but just ran out of time. I
‘thought’ about booking a table at your favourite restaurant, but got busy and
forgot. I ‘thought’ about booking the
day off work and having a special day together, but I’ve got an important
meeting. Strange that since hooking up
with the new girlfriend (or Biltong, as I affectionately call her as she’s old,
leathery and in a small child’s words – looks chewy), all these thoughts have
been immaculately brought to fruition. That
probably hurts more than all the years of emotional abuse. The realisation that he COULD have done it
all along, but simply chose somewhere along the line just not to. That’s the kicker. The real punch to the guts.
The loneliness of a marriage too can be the hardest thing to
deal with – whilst you are still in it!
How can you feel so alone when you are supposed to be living with your
soul mate for the rest of eternity? How
can your best friend turn into your worst enemy? Conversation stops. Family runs on auto-pilot
without real direction or input and lovers drift into barely more than
strangers with some commonality. I
think that’s the hardest sad part.
Admitting that you don’t want to live like that any longer is the brave
part and the first step of one of the most horrific journeys you will ever
undertake, but you WILL have brighter days.
Nobody ever died of divorce.
I feel nothing but regret when I look at my soon to be
ex-husband. Regret that I didn’t walk
away from him years ago when the kids were younger and maybe understood
less. Regret that I accepted the
emotional abuse for as long as I did.
Regret that I allowed my self-esteem to be eroded away to the point
where I didn’t recognise who I was and just what I was capable of anymore. Regret that I didn’t see that I deserved so
much more! Love and happiness for a
start. I don’t even recognise him when I
pass him in the street. He is a bitter
shadow of his former self; 50kg lighter in weight than he was for most of our
married life, yet many times more vicious and vindictive. Using words as his weapons of choice and
coupling them with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and depression for good
measure; a veritable pick ‘n’ mix Molotov Cocktail – ooh goody!’
Even with this knowledge, the breakdown of a marriage is still
like a bereavement and it takes a long time to come to terms with all aspects
of the situation. Watching the person you thought you knew most in the world
turn into an evil, revenge seeking walking time bomb of aggression is a lesson
that no-one should experience. The words
that get spat in the heat of the moment should never be repeated to anyone,
ever, and these words have been crafted carefully with barbs, poison and aimed
at the heart for maximum destruction – like those bullets that shatter on
impact, causing shards of destruction to travel around your being for weeks on
end; the mind is the part of you that always suffers the most; trying to make
sense of and diffuse the venom.
Wondering if you truly did deserve that sort of treatment?
You can try and shield the children from this, but sooner or
later, they’ll witness the wrath of a parent-wronged or see for themselves the
360 degree head spin with as much bewilderment and incredulity as you did
yourself when you first witnessed it.
Enjoy the good days (there will be some along the way). Try not to wallow in the bad ones. You can’t see stars without a little darkness
(oh yes, and if you’re like me, you’ll take to Googling inspirational
bollocking quotes to get you through the trauma), along with daily personal
Mantras (my personal favourite - If I had an alibi and 10 grand, none of this
would matter).
In my personal experience, moments of personal smugness
(feeling that one child wants to see you more than the other parent, having all
3 children laughing round the dinner table with you whilst the other parent
festers at home, alone or hearing a snippet of information that tells of the
other parent sobbing into their designer beer) are usually very short-lived and
followed by extreme heart-piercing moments when the other party is experiencing
their smug moment. Smug moments are a
fickle Mistress – like eating a massive chocolate gateaux and then not being
able to do your jeans up…. Ying and
Yang. Be bitchy as he would be bitchy
towards you (probably sounds better in Latin to be honest).
This is my current state of mind: caterpillar undergoing transformation. These wings were made to flllllyyyyyyy......
This is my current state of mind: caterpillar undergoing transformation. These wings were made to flllllyyyyyyy......
